Relaxed Politics

an – n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

ad – adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual.

bnormal – adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested.

lliance – n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

mbition – n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

eighbor – n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.

onsense – n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.

ectar – n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.


diot – n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with dead-line.

nsurance – n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

bsurdity – n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsisten with one’s own opinion.

ge – n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

ppeal – v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

pril Fool – n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

hildhood – n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age*. *see above

ommerce – n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.

onservative – n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others.

The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce.
The Author’s Preface:
The Devil’s Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was published in covers with the title The Cynic’s Word Book, a name which the author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the present work: “This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a score of ‘cynic’ books — The Cynic’s This, The Cynic’s That, and The Cynic’s Other. Most of these books were merely stupid, though some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they brought the word “cynic” into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was discredited in advance of publication. Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom the work is addressed — enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape’s kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly indebted.

Ambrose Bierce

The Animal Alphabet Letters M, A, N, I, C were brought to you by The Daily Coloring Pages

A recent find shared with you by Pellora
olitics – n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

olitician – n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the super structure of organized society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the ediface. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.

posted on Sunday, November 22nd, 2009 at 5:48 pm under Humor, Memory Lane, Relaxed Politics.