Cancer ==> divorce? More likely if the patient is a woman.
Posted by Texas Betsy in Health, Relaxed Politics
The statistics on divorce among women who become disabled is even higher.
[...]
Women in the study who were told they had a serious illness were seven times as likely to become separated or divorced as men with similar health problems, according to the report published in the journal Cancer.Over all, about 12 percent of the patients in the study ended up separated or divorced, a rate that was similar to that found in the general American population during that time period. (Lifetime divorce rates in the United States are higher.) But the pattern changed when the researchers looked at the patient-divorce breakdown by sex. When the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. But among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced. Among couples who split up, divorce occurred, on average, about six months after the diagnosis, although there was wide variability in the timing.
via NY Times
What happened to “in sickness and in health”?
Tags: disability, divorce, illness, marriage
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The ever lovely Newt Gingrich is Exhibit #1.
And isn’t there a certain someone in Austin who is Exhibit #2?
I am Exhibit #3 for the woman who stuck it out with the sick spouse.
That about sums it up Gnome.
@ Texas Betsy:
Ok, now that we have dealt with that subject, we can move on . . .
My opinion, and mine only – I cannot back it up with any studies or research – Men divorce women when they can’t totally care for the man, when the woman becomes needy, when the woman can’t carry her share of the work load for the relationship and family. In the last case, the woman’s share of the work load is 90%. If the man works a full time job and brings home a paycheck, he often figures that that is his duty and he has fulfilled it.
I suspect there will be some female cynicism regarding this subject today. Of the two or three men who frequently talk here, I am interested in their experiences and thoughts.
I believe we can build a lot of antedotal stories in either direction.
One of my best friends developed Alzeheimer’s-type dementia. Her husband cared for her at home, except for a brief time in a nursing home when she broke her leg. A number of his friends urged him to institutionalize her and get on with his life. He refused their advice and cared for her until her death.
My mother took care of my father at home for a number of years before his death. After his death, she was not interested in finding another husband. Her position was that she would not be able to care for another person enough to do that care again.
On the other hand, one of my cousins divorced his wife when she developed Lupus.
OT–Via Rawstory on health reform issues
“Chamber seeks ‘respected economist’ to back predetermined conclusion”
Lurking mod was here!
I cannot imagine abandoning someone in a crisis. I imagine the abandoner thinks his survival is at stake that he has to do that. But where is the conscience? How can someone like New Gingrich who did that to one of his wives face themselves in the mirror? (They don’t obviously) It is not something I understand.
@ gnome de plume:
Newt operates on an entirely different plane. One I do not understand.
Total selfishness, narcissism, ego (more the id ego), and arrogance. If you look at Newt, he has all those personality characteristics.
My mother had a friend who attempted suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. She almost succeeded – her husband (or one of her children, not sure who) found her before she died. But she ended up in a vegetative state. He divorced her to make her eligible for indigent care at a nursing home. (That means the community picked up the tab for her extended full time care until she died). My mom used to go visit her. She didn’t die for several years. I don’t know what the husband did after – my mom said it was so that her care didn’t destitute the family.
I didn’t and still don’t agree with this either. I suspect it was done with the one excuse to cover up the anger he felt at her and about the situation he found himself in.
Though my mother gets tired, and frustrated, over by dad’s continued health issues, she has not left him. She plugs along and knows to call me when she needs help. I do help so that she can see her friends and do things so that she can be healthy. If she were to become unhealthy, I would be having to do much more care for them both – that would be a hardship, for sure. But of course I would do it. My brother is in Denver, so everyday stuff he wouldn’t be able to help with. Who knows what he would do if the situation deteriorated significantly. Me, I would step up my care giving.
People can only provide care to their ability. Not everyone is cut out to be a care giver, and the level of care giving is individual also. Plus the person’s compassion, altruism, selfishness, selflessness, etc. would all be factors. Sure, it would often be easier to walk away, but that’s when the person’s character is tested and brought to the light of day.
No easy deal, this. As Gnome very well knows, it is not an easy road and few of us would choose to travel it on purpose.
Our sister site Fleshbot reports (link NSFW) that Vivid has announced that it has the tapes in its possession, and TMZ has published a letter from Vivid chair Steve Hirsch to Prejean’s lawyers seeking the right to distribute “erotic footage that Carrie Prejean, former Miss California, produced for her boyfriend following their four (4) day rendezvous in February 2007.” Here’s where everyone purses their lips, nods slowly, and says “Four days? Nice…”
Unfortunately for Vivid (and fans of teen masturbation) Carrie’s mother—who is also her rep—has already said “No, not at any price” to the proposal.
If Hirsch’s date is right, then Carrie didn’t lie about her age in the video(s). She was nineteen, the “teenager” she repeatedly described herself as in her “worst mistake of my life” monologue—and above the age of consent. Everyone wins!
So, what happens if the tape **accidentally** gets out on the web….
Then it’s out, everyone gets to see it (a win of sorts), and no one makes money on it (Carrie and her mother won’t have to pay taxes on the income), and no one has to pay for it (Vivid producers). Everybody wins.
well, a little
on the 4 – FOUR – days ??? Almost another little LIE but not quite, if everyone is telling the truth on when the tape was made!
@ gnome de plume:
A question for a spouse who remained *in sickness*. What if your marriage was not going well and thoughts of divorce were floating in your mind – what would you think then upon hearing of a cancer diagnosis for your spouse, or yourself either I guess.
Pellora, I think there are 7 or 8 tapes out there. Or, as one of my twitter friends pointed out, more tapes than Mc$hame currently owns houses.
Have y’all been following this story?
U.S. Army Specialist Alexis Hutchinson, a single mother, is being threatened with a military court-martial if she does not agree to deploy to Afghanistan, despite having been told she would be granted extra time to find someone to care for her 11-month-old son while she is overseas.
I can’t find an update.
@ Pellora:
The toll on the care giver is enormous. Roselyn Carter has written a book on this and has done mental health conferences on the topic.
As for finances, Kansas has a law that allows assets to be divided so both spouses are not made completely destitute when such an illness strikes.
Pellora wrote:
Actually, things were not going well between Mr. Gnome and me at the time of his diagnosis, but the prognosis was not good at all, so there was no thought of leaving him, as it looked much more likely that I would be widowed very shortly. I held things together for the sake of Gnomette who was only a month from her high school graduation. There was so much turmoil that I did the ol’ “put one foot in front of the other” each day and carried on, blindly at times. I also had my teaching and architectural projects that were engaging enough that I could send my mind over to them in order to keep it (my mind) busy so that I didn’t worry horribly about the future. After the medical miracle looked to be successful, we did some marital counseling that I didn’t think helped, but evidently did, because something changed between the two of us and we grew back closer together. Then we moved here to Gnomeville for an early retirement so that Mr. Gnome could be closer to his grandkids and watch them grow up. The company that was to be our cash cow turned out to be a bunch of bull instead, and we have been thrown into as tense and awful situation, that at least from my perspective, is worse than that first year of cancer!
@ Texas Betsy:
On Prejean – I hadn’t heard that there were *many* tapes out there
On Alexis Hutchinson – yes, I know of her plight. I read over the weekend that she was to be flown to Afghanistan to be tried, that her son was in court ordered foster care or some such. She was to be flown to Afghanistan yesterday. Haven’t looked for an update yet. Maybe I will now. TPM is good at updating their stories, usually at the end of the original story.
@ gnome de plume:
Well, my ESP must have been turned on to ask the question that you could really answer and did answer. I know every situation and relationship is different – just like every divorce is the same and yet different. Thanks for you honesty.
Financial stress is some of the worst kind of stress, in my opinion. Health is right there. To do both at same time is unbelievably hard – which is why the health care insurance reform debate is so emotionally charged. To say the least.
hmmm, looks like my post is upstairs…
I’ve no answers for your posit Betsy, other than to offer I’d never leave my honey, and she’d never leave me.
We made vows, albeit living in sin for decades, and then we traded real vows.
We are, till death do us part.
And were, from early on when we met and moved in together, and became monogamous.
I was 31, she was 38. We attached fast, in a few months.
We were good for each other then, and still, now.
And man have we gone through all kinds of things since.
And still, that commitment, keeps us bonded.
For life, thru 25 years, now.
For better, or worse.
I’m a lucky guy, and I know it.